First of all, mahalo much to Bruddah Ed for allowing me the honor to share my brain’s sporadic moments of mentalness! Man, this is harder than I thought. Anyways, so I was watching WWE wrestling the other night on USA and you know how they have that add, “Characters Wanted?” Well, that made the light bulb go on in my head! I thought, I am related to A LOT of characters. I’m sure all of you can relate cuz every family has at least one. If you can’t think of any members resembling some of mine, think again, it might just be you!
I have an Uncle “Frankie” (shout out to frankie!): He’s like his name. Frank. His wise @ssness is a welcomed and refreshing ball of fun! He’s so free ken hee larry yus that you just wanna sit and talk story with him all night! Once in a while, you are also able to add your own two cents into the pot of mental and sometimes politically incorrect conversations. Admit it. It’s what makes roasting marshmallows fun! Like me, his muse is his family. He can usually be heard making fun of the aunties mentioned below.
I not Hawaiian but Aunty Baling-Baling got da bracelets going all da way up her arm like she’s Wondah Woman! I swear, she could deflect any and all bullets coming at her in a drive by. If you in da wrong part of da hood, she’s da one you use as a shield, not Uncle Bla-lah. She clang clang so much. You know she just loves the attention. But in the back of my head, all her clang clang just reminds me of how my dogs’ tags go clang clang when they come running at meal time. I’ve also noticed that Aunty Bling is not the prettiest aunty in the bunch. I wonder if she blings out to compensate. She’s also the same aunty who wears tight, COUGAR print clothes and forgets that she has back fat.
I also have an Aunty Carrie Yokie. Yes, she’s the one who thinks she coulddah been a contendah…on American Idol. Remember, I’m Filipino. We all can sing! NOT! She wants to be the next Jasmine. Aunty sings…has a few good notes…then she TRIES Whitney! OH HECK NO! Now, I want to turn on the garden hose and shoot her down like that neighbor’s cat in heat sitting on your fence who is screeching all night long! Why, oh why, does she think that little karaoke microphone can transform the sound from her throat into heavenly tunes?
Oh, and you got the aunty who needs NO microphone. We got 100 people at the reunion and, because we’re Filipino, it just gets INSANELY loud! We’ve had PA systems in the past but if the MC is too slow, Aunty Big Mout will just make the announcement for you. And so happen, whatever comes out her mout, is usually incorrect. Like Aunty Carrie, I tink she just likes da sound of her own voice. Her husband can usually be found somewhere in a dark corner, cringing at the sound of her voice and cuddling with a little green bottle that would be considered contraband at said event. Uncle Shame can usually be found with Uncle Mo Shame and Uncle So Shame, the husbands of Aunty Carry and Aunty Bling.
I also have an Uncle Nurse. He likes to push ALL the cousins into the profession. I don’t think he realizes we can’t all be nurses. Some of my other cousins not so smart, you know what I mean? But really, some of us need to be lawyers and doctors. Over the years, we’ve learned to just avoid conversations with him. It’s hello and good bye. Never, under any circumstances, ask him an open ened question! It will always end up with him trying to get you to change majors or go back to school and do something God didn’t give you the passion for. No, he’s not a nurse, himself. He used to be a teacher in the Philippines. No one really knows what he does now.
Then, there’s the grammy who grew pakalolo just cuz it was a pretty plant. Or so she says. She would tell us how happy it made her when she took care of her plant and pruned off the dried leaves. Nana Maria also has a sister who had a pakalolo plant. Or a few. But Nana Juana was akamai and knew that she could profit from this commodity of a plant which her sister was not aware of. Nana Lolo never had a job when she moved to Hawaii. Which is why cousins laugh when they realized the source of their weekly allowances from their grams was from illegal tradings!
And last but certainly not the least. There’s the cousin who is so irritating like a little yappy chihuahua, you just wanna slap him and tape his mouth shut! Cousin Ete is sometimes one in the same as the cousin who whines soo much you just wanna kick him around a little just for fun…or at least until his oloz drop.
Think me brutal? Well, friends, I KNOW YOU WAS LAFFING! Yes, this is what makes up a part of my family. Mind you, we purposely don’t serve alcohol at our reunion functions. But, at the end of the day, I think I would not have it any other way. Because, if my family dynamic was anything less, reunions would just be too boring! And, thank the Heavens, I have a family that I can love and make fun of! So, share with the rest of us your stories of your family dynamics. Give us a good laugh that will hold us over this long holiday weekend! Happy 4th everyone. And a special shout out to all those, past and present, who’ve fought and still fight for this great country of ours!
World Wide Ed 