38 Problems Only People From Hawaii Will Understand

Rice Fest countdown = 11 days! 8)

Sorry peeps, no “Where In Hawaii” this week. I figgah I go try and mix things up a bit once in a while. 8)

So some of you may know about this funny piece called “38 Problems Only People From Hawaii Will Understand” that was recently posted on Buzzfeed by Community Contributor Matthew Dekneef. It has gone fairly viral and for good reason. Buggah is funny.

But for those who haven’t seen it yet (and even for those who have), I thought I’d try to see if we can add to the list in the comment area below. First da list…

1. There are some days where it’s so cold you just have to put on a shirt. – It’s 70° degrees! I’m gonna get frostbite!!!”
2. Always forgetting to use your kama`aina discount. – I mean, do places locals really go even take kama`aina discounts?
3. You don’t know who your cousins are and who your actual cousins are. – Everyone’s your cousin! This, of course, includes all your aunties. Your bus driver. Your bank teller. Your next door neighbor’s neighbor’s neighbor. Everyone’s your aunty!
4. That overwhelming urge to defend the miracle that is SPAM. – Blasphemy! Spam musubis are a religion.
5. Giving/getting directions is always an adventure. – “Okay, you wanna go mauka, and when you get to the third mango tree make a left, you’ll see one waterfall on your right hand side, just keep going. When you get to the menehune at the U-turn, he’ll ask you three questions…”
6. When shipping costs more than the total cost of the item you’re shipping.
7. Baked vs. steamed (manapua). – You can’t make me decide.
8. Shave ice vs. your indecisiveness. – SERIOUSLY YOU CAN’T MAKE ME DECIDE.
9. If it doesn’t have rice, then it’s not a real meal. – These are the rules.
10. When you haven’t been to the beach since yesterday…
11. …and then can’t decide which beach to go to. – Okay, fine, take it back… we got 99 problems and a beach ain’t one.
12. That said, it is kind of hard to enjoy all of Hawaii’s natural breathtaking beauty… – …when you’re trapped in (traffic) all day. Because Honolulu has the second worst traffic in the country, just after L.A. The average driver here wastes 50 hours in gridlock a year. That’s over a week’s worth of surfing.
13. Not to mention gas already costs an arm and a leg and your first-born keiki.
14. When you can enter to win a free, 7-day, all expenses paid, VIP, luxury vacation for two to……………………………………………………………..Hawaii.
15. It can be off the air everywhere else, but here every week is “Shark Week”.
16. When you have to call Leavitt, Yamane & Soldner for something…
17. There’s no civilized way to eat a malasada… …or a coco puff. – Don’t even try. It’s physically and emotionally impossible!
18. Anyone dressed in head-to-toe Jeans Warehouse. – This isn’t just a problem. It’s a fashion emergency!
19. The name of this product: BotoLift. – So, wait, wait, wait, wait… You put this where?!?!
20. When one of these melts in your pocket (white rabbit candy).
21. That one Nicki Minaj verse. Because you can’t be “in the islands of Waikiki,” Nicki.
22. Your throat will start tightening up and you’ll begin salivating in 3, 2, 1… (lihing mui)
23. These stairs are safe, right? (stairway to heaven)
24. That Google Maps doesn’t have an “Avoid Potholes” option. – Because sometimes there’s a road in our potholes.
25. Your favorite band will NEVER tour here. Ever. – Just accept it.
26. When Obama won the presidency, you had to force yourself to be happy for someone from Punahou for the first time ever. – It was a struggle.
27. You’re not sure who to trust: Dan Cooke or Guy Hagi? – Not that it really matters… It’s not like the weather ever really changes anyway.
28. This thing called “Hawaiian” pizza. – Are we still calling it that? Okay, just checking…
29. You’ve gotten into serious debates over which Zippy’s is the best Zippy’s. – Foolproof BFF Test: If they don’t know your Zippy’s order by heart, then they are NOT your BFF. No exceptions!
30. Your legit ID always gets a harder look on the mainland. – Mahalo, “Superbad”.
31. This question on Yahoo! Answers (Do they have Internet in Hawaii?). And let’s not forget the classics like, “Do you still live in grass shacks?” and “What about electricity?” FUN FACT: ‘Iolani Palace had electricity and telephones before the White House did! Also, yes, you can use U.S. currency here, and no, you don’t need your U.S. passport and power adaptors when you visit.
32. When someone uses “Hawaiian” the same way they’d use “Californian” or “New Yorker”. – Yeah, that’s not going to work… BECAUSE HAWAIIAN IS A RACE.
33. When someone corrects the way you pronounce “karaoke” and “karate”. – Sigh, we’re just saying it right.
34. Or you’re told you pronounce “Hawai`i” funny. – Again, not “funny,” just right. We live here. WE WOULD KNOW.
35. But wait, honestly, though – do we really have an accent? – Apparently we do say some words like “button” and “candy” kind of weird or something?
36. Even though they don’t have laces, leaving anybody’s house is going to take an extra minute. – And for the last time…
37. THEY’RE CALLED SLIPPERS.
38. However, the biggest problem is taking it all for granted because… Lucky We Live Hawaii! Chee hoo!

Got any to add? Post it in the comment area below. Here’s mine to start:

* Your idea of an Aloha shirt is much different than mine!

K, what say you?

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We Do It Big Island Style

 Part I  | Part II

When you think “island style,” you think Hawaii and our innate, laid back way of life. After two recent trips to the Big Island of Hawaii, I quickly discovered that we ain’t got nuthin’ on ’em. This here is true, island style living and I’m about to show how you too, can roll John Cruz style… brah.

Thanks to a friend at go! Airlines, we were able to get an awesome deal on airfare, which also gave us the unique experience of boarding an airplane from the tarmac. Silly Jetway. Who needs ’em? True island stylers get it going from the ground yo.

Boarding go! Airlines to Kona, Hawaii

Island Style Tip (IST) #1: Know someone who works for the airlines or shop around for the best price.

go! Airlines’ fares are regularly at $39, which forces the other carriers to offer competitive prices, which is good for us consumers. Another trait of island style living is finding good deals. Your options are as follows:

• go! Airlines (www.iflygo.com)
• Hawaiian Airlines (www.hawaiianair.com)
• Aloha Airlines (www.alohaairlines.com)
• and now, the Hawaii Superferry (www.hawaiisuperferry.com)

Living island style is also who you know. Luckily for us, we also have a friend in the hotel industry, so we were able to get great accommodations at a great hotel for a great price.

(IST #2): Know someone who works at Hilton or stay at the Hilton Waikoloa Village to take advantage of an entire day of frolicking in the sun for free/cheap.

Hilton Waikoloa Village sign

Just a short, 20 minute drive from Kona International Airport at Keahole, this huge, 62 acre oceanfront property has much to do and much to see. First thing’s first, let’s drop our bags off at our room.

After checking in, you’re led towards (neat thing #1) an air-conditioned tram which takes you to your hotel.

Air-Conditioned Tram

Once we drop off our bags, we’ll get on board (neat thing #2) the mahogany canal boats to tour the rest of the property.

Mahogany Canal Boats

Our first stop was the Grand Staircase (you may start to recognize elements of this property as the place where Dog the Bounty Hunter got married).

Grand Staircase

From here, you can look at the beautiful view across the Lagoon or catch a glimpse of a turtle or two in the Lagoon itself.

Turtle in the Lagoon

From there, we worked our way around the Lagoon, through/behind the mini, manmade waterfall, and towards the Dolphin Learning Center.

Walking through/behind the waterfall

Dolphin Learning Center

Since our stay was brief, we decided to pass on the Dolphin Learning Center (for more information on Dolphin Quest, click here) and have our fun in the Lagoon.

Editor’s note: the real reason we passed on DolphinQuest was because of a cheap/grumpy tour guide 😛 but this leads us to IST#3:

(IST#3): Hang out right next to the Dolphin Learning Center long enough and you’ll see the cute dolphins swim right by you, get fed and play with the tourists who weren’t on a budget. If you’re lucky enough, the trainers will come by and chat with you.

The Dolphins swim right near you

The Lagoon is a four-acre, ocean fed sanctuary where we humans (hotel guests of course) can rent kayaks, water bikes, paddleboats, etc. for some on the water fun, or wade and come face to face with tropical fish or one of the few rare green sea turtles we saw earlier.

Playing on the water bikes at the Lagoon

The Lagoon side view of the waterfall is definitely better.

The view from the other side of the waterfall

After frolicking in the sun, we head east to cover more of this huge property. Along the way, we see sleeping flamingos,

ugly Buddha statues,

the property’s beautiful and scenic wedding chapel and gazebo areas,

and, in front of the Ocean Tower, another close encounter with the endangered sea turtle.

(Note: I was told that you should avoid contact with these animals not only because they are fragile and endangered, but also because you can catch salmonella).

As you head northwest past the Kohala River pools,

You’ll slowly approach one of the most breathtaking sights on the property, Buddha Point.

Take your time to enjoy the view at Buddha Point. It might even be a good idea to bring lunch or sunbathe here…

I can go on and on about the many more sights and amenities you can find here (including shopping, entertainment and additional outdoor activities), but I’ve got so much more to cover in this article, and let’s face it, they’ve got enough face time. You’re welcome Mr. Hilton. I’ll be waiting for my lifetime comp coupons in the mail. 😉

Another benefit to having a “native” at the locale you’re visiting is the possibility of a home cooked meal (don’t be a cheapskate and be sure to bring planny omiyage though!). Not only is eating a home cooked meal great food for the soul, it’s a time for quality bonding and will make you feel like you’re at home again.

(IST#4): Have a “native” where you’re visiting and have a home cooked meal

Half the fun is going shopping for the ingredients,

And the other half is preparing it,

and eating it.

With the day winding down, our first day of traveling island style has ended. But fear not, slipper wearer. We’ve still got another full day of laid back living to go!

So our next stop is Big Island Grill, a place popular with the locals. The food was way too salty for me and the prices are semi reasonable, but this visit and subsequent mention in this article is much more than just trying to find a good deal on eats. Confused? Read on…

Answer me this question first. Where else can you meet a 7 foot, former Olympic and NBA World Champion and All Star player AND even get a photo with him, all without paying for an exorbitant card show entrance fee? (Oh, and by the way, he’s as nice and cordial as they come!) That’s right: at Big Island Grill (if you were with me on this day 😛 ). Rumor has it, he has a place in Hualalai and frequents local favorites when in town.

This one’s a little hard to accomplish, but…

(IST#5): Be at the right place at the right time and you too, can have a photo like this! 🙂

David Robinson

OK, so this next tip is rather touristy and not exactly island style-ish, but hear me out. There’s a pretty good tip at the end, especially for you romantic types.

(IST#6): Visit Hawaii Volcanoes National Park (on a non lava day). Even better is if you visit on certain event days, admission is free (normally $10 per vehicle).

Volcano status report kiosk

You may be wondering why you’d waste your time visiting the park when there’s no lava flowing into the ocean, but trust me there buddy ol’ pal. You’ll like this one.

OK so after you do the touristy visits to the Visitor Center and various stops around Crater Rim Drive, make the extra effort and drive down Chain of Craters Road until you hit the end of the road (download PDF map here). Most tourists end their tour on Crater Rim Drive and don’t make this little detour (especially on non-lava days), but believe you me, you won’t regret it as you’ll see more majestic, untouched Hawaii than you’ve ever seen before.

Majestic, untouched Hawaii

When you hit the end of the road and park your ride, make your way to the cliff’s edge for some nice, majestic shots.

Oh, but that’s not it my dear friends. You should see a long road that can only be traveled on by foot.

Chain of Craters Hike

You want to take that until it ends.

Oh no, that’s not it either my friends. Keep on a truckin’! This is where the fun begins. Here you’ll see a large mass of hardened lava where few before you have witnessed.

You’ll see marked areas that you are not allowed to go beyond, so be sure to pay attention to these signs.

Don’t go beyond marked areas!

Also watch your step and keep your eyes peeled for dangerous footholds and coned off areas.

Watch your step for dangerous footholds!

Keep your eyes peeled for coned off areas

So why all the rigmarole? Believe me, there’s a method to this madness. Eventually, when you make your way past all the obstacles and find a nice little area to rest, overlooking the beautiful Pacific Ocean, you’ll thank me for Island Style Tip #6a:

(IST#6a): Propose to your girlfriend/boyfriend (ukulele optional)

With its isolated nature and picturesque backdrop, you’re sure to have alone time with you and your mate in the most perfect of settings. Don’t forget to invite me to your wedding! 😉

Later this evening, we planned on having a family style BBQ back at our friend’s house, so on our way back to Waikoloa, we stopped by Tex Drive-In for their very famous specialty: malasadas.

Tex Drive-In

Which leads us to our next two tips

(IST#7): Don’t come to a BBQ empty handed and

(IST#8): If it’s Tex Drive In malasadas you are bringing, be sure to eat one first, hot and fresh (and then rearrange the rest in the box and act like you didn’t 😛 ).

Tex Drive-In famous malasadas

Fortunately for us, our friend’s roommate is an executive chef on the island, so we were treated to some of the best tasting grinds around, including BBQ steaks,

garlic butter shrimp,

lomi salmon,

and homemade mac salad.

Which leads me to tip #9.

(IST#9): Have a hotel friend, who lives in the place you’re visiting, whose roommate is an executive chef, who decides to have a BBQ and invites you. 😉

OK, so that one’s not very realistic, but, much like IST#4, having a local style BBQ is just as fun and just as relaxing, island style, that is.

Well, we’ve finally come to the end of our stay on the Big Island, but what’s a trip to the Big Island without a visit to KTA Super Stores? It’s like going to Kauai and not going to Big Save, walking through Waikiki and not stopping at an ABC Store, or going through a list of Island Style Tips and ending on #9. So without further ado,

(IST#10): Buy your last minute omiyage at KTA. They sell unique, specialty snacks that are perfect for fulfilling that gift list before heading home.

Omiyage from KTA

So whether you’re from Hawaii or have Hawaii in your heart, that’s my perspective on how we do it Island Style (on the Big Island). I think, however, Cruz sums it up best:

On the Island, we do it Island Style,
From the mountain to the ocean from the windward to the leeward side…

Enjoying the Kona sunset before heading home…

 Part I  | Part II