Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

The Hawaii Visitor’s Survival Guide [Guest Blog by tita leerz]

March 22, 2010

tita leerz
by tita leerz

The Hawaii Visitor’s Survival Guide – Written and Illustrated by YOU! The W.W. Ed Bloggers

When this blog hits the ether, Brutha Ed will have been playing tourist for a week in a foreign land. So his joy is my inspiration. Today, the question I pose to you is, “If WE could write a survival guide for our great state’s visitors, what would be in it?” Helpful hints to entertainment, dining, vocabulary, graphics/videos etc. Whatever your mind and heart would like to put. Myself? I would put a few rules.

My first rule was inspired by some house guests I had recently. This had been their first trip to the 50th and I should have forewarned them that, and I’m sure everyone will agree,

  1. All footwear comes off your feet at the front/back door and STAYS outside! Due in part to the Asian influences and ESPECIALLY for hygiene’s sake, local culture dictates that no shoes or slippers, which traversed the outside world, may grace the inside of the house of a local. Think about it. If your shoes, that went into a public bathroom, also walked the floors in your house where you kids roll around, don’t be surprised when they get lepto.
  2. BTW, they’re called SLIPPERS not flip flops. Flip flops could be misconstrued as a derogatory remark if said to the wrong Filipino woman from the west side of Oahu. *ahem* But I digress.
  3. Respect the signs! Please enjoy the beauty of our islands…safely. Railings and fences are in certain places for a reason. Signs are posted to warn you of dangers. If you get hurt or get into trouble because you made a conscious effort to disregard all the attempts to keep you out of harms way, please know that we will not allow you to sue us (the county, the state, the people of Hawaii).
  4. Out of respect to our host culture (Hawaiian Culture), DON’T take home the rocks! Believe us when we tell you that it’s not a rumor. There is no theory to test! Let lying rock lie….right where they are! To be safe, don’t even pick up any rocks. Just leave them be or…remember what happened to Peter Brady? Yeah, well, it can get much worse than that!
  5. Daily baths/showers are a MUST! In some cultures around the world, it’s OK but please be aware that enjoying our beautiful weather causes you to sweat! We got tradewinds but it can still get humid. Swimming at the beach does not count as a bath. Sweat mixed with coconut oil and/or sunscreen WILL make you ripe like a three-day old papaya! The male gender should take care to at least rinse the sand and salt off yourselves as, I’ve been told, that these elements can seriously irritate your scrotum.

So, my friends, what else would our Hawaii Visitor’s Survival Guide say? How would it look? What other things can we put in our book?

The Guest Blog Schedule:

  • THU 03/11 – Chicken Grease – “TheGrease and TheBus”
  • FRI 03/12 – kuya.d – “I’m So Over It”
  • MON 03/15 – JMAW – “Something like a Phenomenon”
  • TUE 03/16 – frankie – “The Curse of the Murse”
  • WED 03/17 – kako mochi – “Where in Oregon is kako mochi?”
  • THU 03/18 – tweetpeep22 – “Online Dating Follies – Female Perspective”
  • FRI 03/19 – S-Ticket – “Online Dating Follies – Male Perspective”
  • MON 03/22 – tita leerz – “The Hawaii Visitor’s Survival Guide”
  • TUE 03/23 – skycastles – “Otanjoubi Omedetou Gozaimasu Kurosawa-sama!”
  • WED 03/24 – hemajang – “Where in Hawaii is hemajang?”
  • THU 03/25 – uncle jimmy – “Grab One, Leave One, and Get Reel…”
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The Curse of the Murse [Guest Blog by frankie]

March 16, 2010

frankie
by frankie

So, the other day The Frankie was rollin’ through the Las Vegas MGM hotel with a gangsta lean and was gobsmacked and mortified by the scene before him… a man carrying his woman’s purse!

Full disclosure: The Frankie has been known on occasion to “protect” his wife’s purse for her while she’s, ahem, powdering her nose at a public restroom. It’s a matter of simple courtesy! (And besides, like learning to squeeze your butt cheeks together before every sneeze, being kind to your woman is an essential survival skill when it comes to navigating the treacherous waters of relationships.) However, this homie was holding her purse and walking with it while she strode aside him simultaneously empty handed and yet with both hands holding a death grip on his boiled eggs. I instantly poured a little liquor on the ground from the 40 oz. I was carrying in honor of yet another ninja lost to the curse of the Murse a.k.a. the Male Purse.

Editor’s note: the current use of the term Murse in this post is not to be confused with the term murse, which can be applied to male nurses, male curses (such as David Hasselhoff) and male purses (large bags designed for men), because this Murse is not a purse for men, but rather a Male Purse accessory for women.

Note the distinction, my friends and frenemies, because trust me when I tell you that it is better to be an asset rather than an accessory. While there is never a relationship that is truly equal, you would rather have the balance be 51% vs. 49% instead of 90% vs. 10% because in order to love her, you must also be able to love yourself first. And you can’t love yourself if you cease to exist. So, my ninjas, are you a Murse? Here’s a little quiz! You get one point for every “yes” answer to the following questions:

  1. Instead of painting her nails, does she paint yours?
  2. Have you ever changed the TV station from a college football or basketball game without her asking you to when she sits down on the couch next to you?
  3. Do her girlfriends ask you for dating advice?
  4. Have you ever participated in a Bikram Yoga or Pilates session?
  5. Have you had a slice of vegetarian pizza in the past month?
  6. Did you ever do the fast clapping part in the “Friends” TV show theme song?

Results!

  • 0-1 points – See you at the next BJ Penn fight. IMUA!
  • 2-3 points – Sorry, friend, but the store is called Ann Taylor, not Mann Taylor
  • 4-5 points – OMG! When is the Sex and the City sequel coming out?!
  • 6 points – Nice Hello Kitty tattoo there, son!

But all kidding aside, homies, you do not want your life to be relegated to that of an accessory. One of the purposes of a relationship is to push your wife or girlfriend to be a better person and you cannot do that if you are spending all of your time under her feet instead of by her side. You also do not want to wake up one day and find yourself unfulfilled with the life of a Murse.

So be strong, my ninjas. Beware the curse of the Murse! The next time a girl tries to make you into a Murse, pretend like she’s a girl who shops at Hot Topic and run for your life!

The Guest Blog Schedule:

  • THU 03/11 – Chicken Grease – “TheGrease and TheBus”
  • FRI 03/12 – kuya.d – “I’m So Over It”
  • MON 03/15 – JMAW – “Something like a Phenomenon”
  • TUE 03/16 – frankie – “The Curse of the Murse”
  • WED 03/17 – kako mochi – “Where in Oregon is kako mochi?”
  • THU 03/18 – tweetpeep22 – “Online Dating Follies – Female Perspective”
  • FRI 03/19 – S-Ticket – “Online Dating Follies – Male Perspective”
  • MON 03/22 – tita leerz – “The Hawaii Visitor’s Survival Guide”
  • TUE 03/23 – skycastles – “Otanjoubi Omedetou Gozaimasu Kurosawa-sama!”
  • WED 03/24 – hemajang – “Where in Hawaii is hemajang?”
  • THU 03/25 – uncle jimmy – “Grab One, Leave One, and Get Reel…”

I’m So Over It [Guest Blog by kuya.d]

March 12, 2010

kuya.d
by kuya.d

Once in awhile you just gotta vent it out (a la sistah Rosey), so for this Fave Five Friday edition let’s go against the flow and call it an “I’m So Over It Friday”. Get it off your chest! All those things, people, and topics that have been making you all “irrrimatated” … Vent it out people.

Just remember, this is a family show so let’s keep it classy and “G-rated”. We don’t want the Advertiser to give Ed the boot.

Here’s my “I’m So Over It” Five:

  1. The singing Mayor – I don’t even have to name this guy and we know who it is. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a decent singer. I’d just rather have my mayor talking about key plans to improve the city, not finding his key on the magic mike.
  2. Furlough Fridays – there’s like five left for the year … How about we just bunch um together and make Spring Break one week longer? Wait, didn’t they trim Spring Break by one week in order to keep the kids in school? What the?!
  3. Brett Favre – just say you going play already cuz’. We all know you will. (And we know Ed is targeting you for his fantasy team).
  4. “Prices differ in Hawaii” – weren’t we all stoked when Pizza H ran that “any size, any toppings all for ten dollars” ad? Then Bam! It costs us like sixteen dollars for the same deal. It ain’t costing six bucks more to make the same pie here in Hawaii. Price of Paradise and all … Puh-leeze!
  5. Dude with the surgical mask – buddy, you ain’t the only one suffering in this economy. I’m sure if you really need the scripts for a good reason, somebody might help you. But please, stop messing with the safety of customers and employees.

And with that … I’m So Over. Whew! Thanks for hearing me out. Enjoy the weekend, and VHO7V Friday to y’all!

kuya.d on da Front Page!
kuya.d on da Front Page!

[Ed’s note: as mentioned by Chicken Grease and confirmed by this photo sent in by kuya.d, this blog made it to the front page of the Advertiser! Too funny! Wish they would do that more often for my regular blogs! Ha! Nah, congrats dewz!]

The Guest Blog Schedule:

  • THU 03/11 – Chicken Grease – “TheGrease and TheBus”
  • FRI 03/12 – kuya.d – “I’m So Over It”
  • MON 03/15 – JMAW – “Something like a Phenomenon”
  • TUE 03/16 – frankie – “The Curse of the Murse”
  • WED 03/17 – kako mochi – “Where in Oregon is kako mochi?”
  • THU 03/18 – tweetpeep22 – “Online Dating Follies – Female Perspective”
  • FRI 03/19 – S-Ticket – “Online Dating Follies – Male Perspective”
  • MON 03/22 – tita leerz – “The Hawaii Visitor’s Survival Guide”
  • TUE 03/23 – skycastles – “Otanjoubi Omedetou Gozaimasu Kurosawa-sama!”
  • WED 03/24 – hemajang – “Where in Hawaii is hemajang?”
  • THU 03/25 – uncle jimmy – “Grab One, Leave One, and Get Reel…”

Having a Bad Day?

February 22, 2010

Having a bad day? Whaaat? No can! It’s only Monday! But seriously, if you eez, then here are some funnies to help bring a smile to your face. Enjoy!

Feeling unappreciated? World got you down?

Worker dead at desk for five days
Worker dead at desk for five days

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These …

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11AM, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11AM, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, the part-time Sunday sweeper entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? – No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

An Iraqi terrorist didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better? I know I am, LOL***

There. Did that help to turn that frown upside-down? I hope so. Have a great week y’all!

Talk to me!
* Which story above made you laugh the most?
* Got any other funnies to add?
* You liking the Olympics so far? Almost pau! What has been your fave moment so far?
* With the holiday last week Monday and this today, how much are you missing our “Photography at the Right Angle” caption contests? 😛 What? Not much? Too bad, they’re makin’ a comeback next week! 😉

Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest (6 of 23)

February 8, 2010

One day I’ve gotsta mix in some randoms for these Monday posts to keep y’all guessin’ … But not today! 😉 We’ve got yet another caption contest for y’all to feast your eyes on… 8)

But first, big ups to JJ and M for being last week’s winners! Your “Turbo powers….ACTIVATE!” and “Just blowing smoke out of my butt.” was good stuffs!

Hurr’s this week’s photo. And try to keep um rated PG a-ight pervies? I know what you’re thinkin’! LOL! Nah. Gogetum!

World Wide Ed
Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest (6 of 23)


Da “Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest” Winnahz Circle! 🙂

  1. Week 1 – “Look, Ma! No hands!” (frankie)
  2. Week 2 – “Eh? No can hear. Got beer in my ear.” (Dave)
  3. Week 3TIE: “Pawn to Queen 4…errrr WOOF!” (b.) and “Doggie go long. On 3, On 3. Ready. Break.” (rayboyjr)
  4. Week 4“Eeeek!!! Spider . . . get it, get it!! Omigod, omigod, omigod!” (skycastles)
  5. Week 5TIE: “Turbo powers….ACTIVATE!” (JJ) and “Just blowing smoke out of my butt.” (M)
  6. Week 6 – ???
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Post your most creative/funny/witty/entertaining caption below for the photo above. Have a great Monday and week y’all! Shoots!

Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest (5 of 23)

February 1, 2010

Another Monday… Yep, another photo caption contest. Just 19 more to go gang! LOL!

There were a lot that made me crack up last week, like bB‘s “stop……….don’t turn around……….give me your wallet” and our lovely Rosette‘s “ARGH HE FARTED!” but I went with skycastles’ “Eeeek!!! Spider . . . get it, get it!! Omigod, omigod, omigod!” for the creativity (and acting skills 😛 ). Congrats skizzai! 😉

I know y’all will have some hilarious (and gross?) ones for this week. Have at it!

World Wide Ed
Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest (5 of 23)


Da “Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest” Winnahz Circle! 🙂

  1. Week 1 – “Look, Ma! No hands!” (frankie)
  2. Week 2 – “Eh? No can hear. Got beer in my ear.” (Dave)
  3. Week 3TIE: “Pawn to Queen 4…errrr WOOF!” (b.) and “Doggie go long. On 3, On 3. Ready. Break.” (rayboyjr)
  4. Week 4“Eeeek!!! Spider . . . get it, get it!! Omigod, omigod, omigod!” (skycastles)
  5. Week 5 – ???
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Post your most creative/funny/witty/entertaining caption below for the photo above. Have a great Monday and week y’all! Shoots!

P.S. Don’t forget to read Part II of my Poke Paradise series, including interviews with Sam Choy, Mel and Justin Tanioka of Tanioka’s Seafoods and Catering, Hideaki “Santa” Miyoshi of Tokkuri-Tei, and Alan Wong:

Poke Paradise - Experiencing the Best Poke Around Hawaii - Part II
Poke Paradise – Experiencing the Best Poke Around Hawaii – Part II

Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest (4 of 23)

January 25, 2010

Ho, these 23 caption contests fill up a lot o’ our Mondays yeah? Stay automatic for me, but I gotta try and mix um up somehow for you guys to make things interesting. Hmm…

While I marinate on that, please help me congratumalate last week’s co-winners b. and rayboyjr. Their captions were equally funny/entertaining.

My brain get cobwebs. No can think of one side game. K, how about this. Let’s say the ol’ man is checking out one wahine walking by. In addition to the caption for the photo itself, we go geev bonus kine action to the best caption of what da old man is thinking/saying to himself. 8)

Go getum guys!

World Wide Ed
Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest (4 of 23)


Da “Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest” Winnahz Circle! 🙂

  1. Week 1 – “Look, Ma! No hands!” (frankie)
  2. Week 2 – “Eh? No can hear. Got beer in my ear.” (Dave)
  3. Week 3TIE: “Pawn to Queen 4…errrr WOOF!” (b.) and “Doggie go long. On 3, On 3. Ready. Break.” (rayboyjr)
  4. Week 4 – ???
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Post your most creative/funny/witty/entertaining caption below for the photo above. Have a great Monday and week y’all! Shoots!

Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest (2 of 23)

January 4, 2010

OK, so it’s been a few weeks since our first week for the “Photography at the Right Angle” caption contest, but hey, it was the holiday season. Cut me some slack yo. 😉 Speaking of which, HAPPY NEW YEAR err-one! Didja get to spend QT with your loved ones? I hope so! BTW, mahalos to tita leerz for the email forward that inspired this series of blogs, and congrats to bruddah frankie who won last week with his hilarious “Look Ma, No hands!” caption! Please help me congratumalate him. 🙂

A-ight, hopefully y’all still remember how to play this puppy! Fast kine though, chicky check the photo below and try to come up with the most creative/funny/witty/entertaining caption to go along with it. Best one wins the prestigious honor (LOL!) of getting their name on the board below. Awesome yeah? 😛 Nah! OKGO!

World Wide Ed
Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest (2 of 23)


Da “Photography at the Right Angle – Caption Contest” Winnahz Circle! 🙂

  1. Week 1 – “Look, Ma! No hands!” (frankie)
  2. Week 2 – ???
  3. Week 3 – ???
  4. Week 4 – ???
  5. Week 5 – ???
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Post your caption below for the photo above. Funniest one wins it all! Have a great week y’all! Looking forward to spending a wonderful 2010 with you all! Shoots!

P.S. If you’re bored outta your mind, check out my latest article, “Poke Paradise – Experiencing the Best Poke Around Hawaii – Part I“! 🙂

Poke Paradise - Experiencing the Best Poke Around Hawaii - Part I
Poke Paradise – Experiencing the Best Poke Around Hawaii – Part I

Christmas Funnies

December 25, 2009

MERRY CHRISTMAS YALL!!!

For those who are taking a brief break from their holiday celebrations to check on in here, here are two quickie Christmas related forwards I got. Hope they help to put a smile on your face on this Christmas day. 🙂

WEEWEECHU

WEEWEECHU
Weeweechu

It’s a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, “Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”

Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!” said Rosita.

Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pedro begged.

“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang…..

“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

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The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever!

The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever!
The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever!

Fantastic. Greg sends along this DIY FYI:

“Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn’t take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.”

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12th Hour UPDATE!

Bruddah David In Oregon literally just sent this to me, so I’m adding it to the funnies. Mahaloz D.O.!

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

Christmas Funnies
Christmas Funnies

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Now, get back to your family ya hear? Actually, comment first and then get back to your family! Priorities… 😛

Have a safe and happy holiday season gang! See you next year! 🙂

Why Women Shouldn’t Take Men Shopping

December 24, 2009

Wow, two blogs in a row? And, during the holidays no less!? Yep, that’s just the way I Rolo. (Weren’t those just the bomb back in the day? 😛 ) I even have another blog queued up for tomorrow, so trifecta hurr we come!

Anyway, this one’s for all y’all procrastinators out there! If you find yourself needing to shop today, on Christmas Eve, you must be outcho damn mind! 😉 But seriously, if you need to do a little last minute action, here’s a funny forward I received from a co-worker, to help get you in the mood. Enjoy!

Why Women Shouldn’t Take Men Shopping

Dear Mrs. Sugimoto, (name changed for realism 😉 )

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Sugimoto, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away”. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?” EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his
nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but certainly not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.” One of the clerks passed out.

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Talk to me!
* In the comment area below, post another funny thing “Mr. Sugimoto” could do at the store above. Be as creative as you can…

One more day ’til Christmas y’all! The post for tomorrow will contain more funnies. Until then… Shoots!